Real life, it seems, is defunct. It's official. The internet has brought about the end of life as we know it and, as a result, the future is going to be a very dreary place indeed.
You may think I'm joking but I can promise you I'm not. I am 100% deadly serious. I wish I wasn't but I am. The World Wide Web, that big evil thing created by nerdy men in tank tops, is about to take over the world.
It's not going to be some crazy alien invested invasion like in Mars Attacks or War of the Worlds, but it is going to be a global takeover nonetheless.
Anyway, let's start from the beginning.
I'm a writer working for an online car insurance company. I spend my whole day sat here at my computer, tapping away at the keyboard, surfing the web and communicating with my colleagues not by good old word of mouth, but by email. With the exception of the tea rounds, nobody talks to each other.
Even the girl that sits opposite me, a whole six feet away, sends me emails instead of actually summoning up the energy to form words and broadcast them across the 72 inches of air that separates us. And as for actually walking around the desk to communicate with me, forget it. To be honest, I don't even know if she's got legs.
Now I don't like this. Not the no legs thing, I'm fine with that, but the lack of proper conversation. It annoys me. God gave me a mouth to speak and, as my old school teachers will no doubt confirm, I like talking. Remember that BT advert years ago with Bob Hoskins, the "It's good to talk" one? Well, the little man from Bury St Edmonds was right, it is good to talk.
Which is why, when I get home at 6pm, I talk. I gibber and gibber like a little kid who's been washing down buckets of Skittles with cheap orangeade. And, as well as talking, I do stuff. Real stuff. I go out to the shops, I play football and I go to the local for a pint with a couple of chums.
I don't do my shopping online and get it delivered to the door, I don't sit on my backside playing hours of football computer games (although I admit I did once, in my youth, get dangerously addicted to Championship Manager) and I definitely don't meet invisible online friends in cyber pubs.
But I think, no, in fact I know, that some people do live a life like this. Web hermits they're said to be called, and with the way things are going their ranks are swelling enormously. One day, not too distant in the future, I reckon they'll be the norm and us folks who live out there in the real world will be the ones looked down upon with pity and scorn.
Therefore, in readiness for the day when we'll all be plugged into the computer 24/7 in some sort of Matrix-style existence, I decided to prepare myself early and find out exactly how much of life is achievable online.
I'll start with the obvious - online car insurance. Now this is the industry I work in so I know a little bit about it and, despite all my whinging about the internet, I reckon it's a good thing. You don't want to be traipsing around the high street, walking miles in the rain just to fork out a load of money on motor insurance that is far from cheap. Car insurance, being one of life's necessities, should be cheap; no doubt you've got far better things to splash your cash on.
My firm specialises in young driver car insurance, which, because of the driving record of people our age, is usually fairly pricey. By operating online, however, we've cut our overheads to such an extent that we're able to offer unbelievably cheap car insurance to even the most at-risk drivers on the road. So there you go, that's not just a sales pitch but it's the truth - online car insurance really is a good thing.
Not so much of a good thing, I think it's safe to say, are cyber pets. Nowadays you don't need to visit a real life pet shop or an RSPCA shelter and pick a fluffy ball of cuteness that you can take home for the kids, but instead you can just log on to the net and 'care' for some freaky-looking computer animated creature.
No cleaning up dog's mess from behind the sofa, no varnishing over scratches in the door and no walks in blustery autumn winds. But isn't that half the fun? Surely pets are supposed to be loving companions or protectors of your property? Aren't they meant to teach children about responsibility and friendship and compassion?
I haven't tried, but I can't imagine it's very easy to get emotionally attached to an imaginary blue and pink Pokemon- style dog called Neo.
From pets to pubs. As I was saying earlier, I'm pretty partial to a swift half down the local pub now and then. I'm not a massive beer monster but a chat with the lads, a game of pool and a bag of dry roasted isn't such a bad way to spend an evening. It seems I'm in the wrong place though.
Apparently I don't even need to leave the comfort of my ow
house to experience that genuine pub atmosphere. Nowadays, surprise surprise, I can just sit down in front of my computer screen and go in search of a virtual pub. And when I get there, swing open that imaginary door and sit down at the make-believe bar, I can order a delicious pint of nothingness.
Whilst I'm sitting there savouring that non-existent glass of ale I can chat away on my keyboard to equally sad individual who have chosen to frequent the same fantasy as myself, talking about inconsequential things and chatting up a beautiful Californian blonde who's really a sweaty middle-aged bloke from Doncaster called Derek.
It seems chatting people up on the internet is quite the thing nowadays and there are countless forums and chat rooms dedicated to singles on the prowl. A lot of those that meet online do actually meet up in real life too.
I guess that kind of makes sense really. At least you can get to know someone a bit before you meet them in the flesh and it sounds perfect for anyone who's a little shy and doesn't take kindly to approaching potential spouses in a bar or a club. And if no-strings nookie is all you're after, I guess you're in the perfect hunting ground.
But how do you know what you're getting? In a similar vein to Derek, how do you know good-looking Mikey, a 28-year-old Porsche-driving entrepreneur from the Home Counties, isn't really 15-year-old acne-ridden Kevin using his mum's computer?
That might be alright if you never actually plan to meet your new acquaintance, but it can't be too healthy to have a relationship with someone you've never even spoken to and aren't likely to meet.
When I use the word 'relationship', that's what I mean. There are people, and I've 'met' a few whilst researching this article, that have full-blown relationships with people on a computer thousands of miles away. Yep, the chat rooms are full of people who aren't looking for a real partner because they've met their already met their perfect match in cyberspace. The fact that he lives in an igloo in the Arctic wilderness seems to be of no concern. That surely can't bode well for the future of the human race.
So that's online car insurance covered, as well as imaginary pets, artificial pubs and cyber relationships. And that's only the tip of the iceberg. We haven't even touched on internet shopping, fetishists, cults or game-addicted nerds yet. And we're not going to, because, quite frankly, I've had enough and I need something real.
I'm a real boy living in a real world with real air and real friends - and I want to keep it that way. So if we ever reach the Age of the Web Hermit, as I'm sure we will one day soon, you've got my express permission to unplug my mains, smash up my hard drive and put me out of my misery.
Oh and by the way, if you've read this and you think you might just have a bit of a problem, there are a range of net addiction counsellors that can help. The thing is they're mostly only available online. Is it just me or is there something ironic in that?