How much do you love your car?Ah, love. Taken on it's own, love normally relates to a someone we know - a boyfriend or girlfriend, brother or sister. But it's not unusual to declare your love for all sorts of other things. Take football, for instance. You don't need to watch too many episodes of Trisha to know that there's a legion of unloved FA Cup widows out there, or to guess that the best part of their Daryl's, Darren's or Dwayne's capacity for love is leeched away by Gary Lineker and Match of the Day. "I love footie," they'll say, and it's true - ask Nick Hornby. Similarly, our long-running love affair with television continues to substitute for interpersonal relationships in the lives of many. Big Brother is an overdone example, so think instead of compulsive viewing like Eastenders, Lost, or the O.C. What do you look forward to most on weekday nights - is it seeing the people you share a house with, or looking-on dumbly as fictional youngsters do the partying for you? That isn't to say that loving something as opposed to someone is necessarily bad. As with rich food, it's fine in moderation. Food, as we mention it, is one of my big non-human loves. I love cooking and eating in equal measure. It's lucky, because food and other people go very well together - in the kitchen, round the table, in restaurants and so on. Loving food, like loving dancing or to a lesser extent drinking, is nicely constructive when it comes to loving other people. Loving something like computers or postage stamps, on the other hand, can be something of a hindrance. Which brings us, inevitably, to cars.
There are plenty of people out there who say they 'love' cars - take the audience at the Top Gear studio, for instance. There sit three kings of car love: Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May. To dwell on the extent of Hammond's love of cars would be in poor taste, and, as May has always been considered 'the other one' in the line-up, let's pick on Clarkson a little. To my eyes at least, Clarkson's love of cars is based firmly upon their ability to impress. A top of the line Aston Martin is thus an object of love for him, but a second-hand Austin Maestro definitely is not. For Clarkson and men like him (fortunately not too many go in for the Clarkson way of life wholesale, but many of his affectations and opinions are picked up by the mid-life crisis crowd) the love of cars may get in the way of love in the traditional sense, but the one doesn't satisfy their need for the other. Endless trips to the test track may (I don't know if this is true) cut down on family time, but he doesn't love a car like a surrogate wife or child. However, there are plenty of people out there who do personify their cars; who name then, talk to them, and cry when they're written off or sold on like they've lost a relative. Often it starts as a way of explaining quirks and faults with the vehicle, because human beings are mostly much more forgiving of each other than they are of machines. Somehow, it's much easier to deal with your Volvo's tyre exploding if you give it a name. Try saying "Barry blew a tyre this morning, he's playing me right up," or similar out loud, and you'll see what I mean - you naturally want to give 'him' a second chance. As motor insurance agents, we're more than used to this phenomenon. Customers ring up to enquire about a car insurance quote for dear Barry - yes, he's done a lot of miles, poor old thing - and take offence if you don't play along with their choice of pronoun. It's often tempting to enquire if the owner would prefer speaking to a specialist health insurance provider rather than a motor insurance firm. Of course, all the movies and TV shows don't help. Anyone who's seen Herbie, Knight Rider, or the Pixar film Cars ends up buying into the idea that their own car is as sentient as the next man. Also to blame are TomToms and similar sat nav systems that make it seem as though your car is talking back to you. You've got more chance of having an intelligent conversation with the speaking clock, but this doesn't stop some people thinking they've found another K.I.T.T. Now, loving a car like a friend is perhaps disturbing enough for some people (albeit worryingly familiar for others). But at this point in the article, things are about to get a little murkier. That's because after 'loving cars' and being 'in love' with them, there is a third option for all you aspiring auto enthusiasts out there - ever heard of 'making love' to cars?
Perhaps not plenty, but there are definitely some people out there who say they've found a whole new use for the exhaust pipe. According to an article on http://www.metro.co.uk/, one such car lover was moved to write a guide to this extraordinary pastime, so that others could try 'enjoying' themselves with cars in the same way he does.
"When I was a young boy I used to see human qualities in cars," he is quoted as saying. "As I grew up I noticed I was having feelings towards cars and they began catching my eye in a certain way." So if you're experimenting with a name for you car, think seriously about where it might lead - before that tramp Barry catches your eye across a crowded car park.
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